In her essay, On the Defense, Cindy Strandvold mentioned “The Look” that people give her when she tells them she is a stay at home mom. I have given that look many times. It isn’t that I was looking down on people. Rather, it was purely a deer in the headlights reaction to a complete conversation stopper. I haven’t always been very successful at meeting new people or starting a conversation. I feel awkward and desperately grasp for more questions to ask in order to avoid that dreaded silence. As soon as the words, “I am a stay at home mom” leave someone’s mouth, I can’t think of what to say. I stand there willing my jaw to keep from going slack and hoping no one can tell that my sweat has broken the deodorant seal in my armpits. For whatever reason, I can’t think of what to ask next when someone tells me they are a stay at home mom. I stare at her and desperately try to think of what to say next… and nothing comes to me. Sure I ask about names and ages, but that is where it ends. I’ve got nothing.
Add onto that the fact that until recently I didn’t want to hear about other people’s kids, let alone be forced into an uncomfortable and impossible conversation about staying at home with kids. As much as these women may have felt I was judging them based on their choice to stay home, I felt they were looking right back at me wondering why the hell I didn’t have kids. I never viewed staying at home as a cop out or being free from the rigors of work. I was impressed that people could make that choice in a world where I had no choices. I couldn’t be a stay at home mom, because I couldn’t be a mom, period. And it killed me that some of the people I met thought that was a choice, because it wasn’t.
Finally, after several years, here I am a stay at home mom of four month old twins. There I said it, I am a stay at home mom! I’ve been telling people I am taking the year off. Maybe it will be longer and for now, my job is being a mom. It is hard to say though because I worry what is on the other side of that conversation. Will the other person feel awkward? And what if I still don’t know what to say?
hubs and i went out to dinner a while ago wiht a couple we are friendly with, they had no kids at the time, they were trying desperately to have kids. i recall purposely interjecting into the conversation that i was taking classes to become a teacher – b/c i was terrified that they would just plain not ask me any questions since i was a stay at home mom.
Missy,
I sympathize with you completely. I always thought “stay at home mom” was another way to say – lazy, or undereducated woman with no options in life, that is before I became a stay at home mom. I still struggled with the pigeonhole in which that placed me in other more ’successfully employed’ people’s minds until I realized that I had to let go of my own insecurities, and once I was able to declare proudly that YES, I was a stay at home mom and was very proud and privileged to be able to do the most important job in the world people responded to me differently.
So now when I meet a stay at home parent I usually say something like – congratulations on taking on one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs there is, how’s it going? I find that is a conversation starter and I usually hear more than I ever dreamed someone would want to tell a complete stranger!
This is why I detest small talk! When we ask what someone does for a job, it’s a chance to fill the conversation with the details of what we do and not who we are, before we find some very reasonable excuse for bowing out of the conversation gracefully.
Even for stay at home mothers, that question is always a tossup. I pray they profess something interesting rather than a job that needs no explanation whatsoever! I give the same smiling and blankly nodding response to “I’m a school teacher” or “I’m a post office worker”. My brilliant answer is always, “Oh! Huh. Cool! So that’s…a lot of work, eh?”
As a “SAHM”, I feel your pain completely.
I am struggling with this very issue right now. I have 3 month old twins and I never in a million years considered the amount of work it would take. I have one month left of maternity leave and I am not sure it if best for my family if I return to work. I am terrified that those I worked with will be “disappointed” in my decision and that I will be left behind. On the other side, I know I don’t want to miss out on the major milestones so that I can interact with adults 40 hours a week. What to do… This was a perfect post to read as I struggle with this question. Thank you for sharing your candid thoughts!